Another (almost) year gone by

This blog has taken a backseat to so many other avenues of internet communication - early last year Facebook became my connection to the outside world and to friends from way back.
Here's the nutshell verson of this past year - picking up from the last entry.
August took me back to school. Instead of being in a regular classroom, I worked straight from the computer lab. I worked with every student in the school except band students - over 300 5th, 6th and 7th graders each week. It was very stressful at times, but God put a wonderful friend in there to work with me. Heather and I became very close and I have to say, she is probably the best friend I have ever had - ever!
The fall brought an engagement for Alex and Jennifer. It seems that Al's trip to Africa was a real turning point for him. God really worked on him. Also, Amanda and Andy found out she was expecting - in May. We were thrilled at the idea of meeting our first grandchild.
A shocker in another area of my life - my darling Billie Jo, who died in the motorcycle accident in July seemed to be fading from others' memories. Her husband Jim was already dating, seriously. I really didn't know how to handle it. I miss Bil so much, I love Jim and Hannah and want them to be happy - but gee whiz, could he have waiting a little while longer. But, I suppose everyone is different. It just hurt so much - for Bil.
Over the holidays, we spent time with the family - nothing really out of the ordinary. The holidays are always a humbling time for me - but this year it was down right depressing. Bil is gone - Jim is moving on - my friends seem far away but most of all my God seems far away. Although, looking back, I know He was carrying me - at the time I felt as if I was floating in outer space with no tether. Actually, I still feel that way.
After the holidays, we had quite a few snow days for which I was grateful. Basically, I just wanted to stay home and not have to go anywhere. I felt safe at home knowing I didn't have to face the outside world. It was comfortable - it still is.
We again went to Resurrection with our youth group - I don't remember much about the services - my heart just wasn't there.
Spring came and went - instead of going somewhere on spring break we opted to have new hardwood floors installed in our living area and to purchase much needed new furniture. I do enjoy it - another reason to stay home.
May was an eventful month - May 1st was Alex and Jennifer's wedding day. It was a beautiful day and a wonderful wedding. They were married at our farm which made it very special. They are truly a lovely young couple. After a honeymoon to the Florida Keys, they settled into thier house as husband and wife. Jennifer is such a wonderful addition to our family. The wedding was a small, private affair with a limited guest list but then two weeks later they had a reception for the entire family and some friends.
On May 9th - Mother's Day - May 12th- my birthday and on May 13th Oliver was born. School was out at the end of the month and here we are in June.
June brought another wedding - Jim married Robin at a private ceremony in his front yard. Hannah was very excited and I have to admit Robin has made a wonderful difference in their lives. I photographed the wedding - the whole time missing Billie Jo more and more.
Bil was my dear friend - if her death is going to be this hard for me - what will I do when I lose someone closer to me? I try to turn to God but I feel so disengaged from the Lord right now.
Just this morning I began on online Bible study with Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore) in hopes of finding my way back to the Lord. For whatever reason, I am on this journey alone. I find no comfort in friends and try very hard to hide all this from my family. I could talk to my husband and he would do his best to understand but he already has so many things to think about. I don't want to burden him with this too - I know God is there, though.
I find no comfort in my church - I'm not really happy there but it is where we attend as a family. I love our pastor and his family - he truly is a man of God and delivers a good message. But, other than the message each Sunday, our church is lifeless - the music is dull - the service is predictable, unchanging, every little thing in the same order as the week before, the year before. The "amens" have to be coaxed out of the congregation and no one would dare shout out a "halleluia." Same old fundraisers - even the same old food at the after church meals we sometimes have. The truth is, I'm bored out of my mind and would love to go to a different church but that won't happen - Frank is too deeply rooted in this one. I just don't like to have to drag myself there every Sunday morning.
So, I am in high hopes of good things to come from this Bible study. I am happy to be home for the summer. The rest feels good and not having to think about too much is great too. Right now, I'm just letting God be God and do what He does best - lead me, guide me and love me. I know it'll all turn out ok.